Norman Shroyer
10/14/1931-02/21/2015
For Grampa, from Number One. Norman Shroyer 10/14/1931-02/21/2015 You know I couldn't leave you without a song right? This one always reminded me of Grampa.
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Just living is not enough... one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower. -Hans Christian Anderson My mother asked me last night, what's bringing me joy in my life. I didn't have an answer for her. The truth is, right now, nothing brings me joy. Nothing. I feel like my life is going backwards. Anything that used to bring me joy is gone, or doesn't work anymore. I have no joy at work. I don't think I've had a job I truly enjoyed, as much as one can enjoy work, since I worked for PetSmart in 2005. In fact, lately I have slowly been "demoted" so to speak, working jobs where l have been making less & less money. Yet, I've gained responsibilities like a new car and my dog. I had to give up my annual pass to Disneyland as a frivolity, and I haven't been there since Halloween of 2012. (I realize this sounds like #whitepeopleproblems or #firstworldproblems but no one really understands what it means to me & I can't explain it-you wouldn't understand.) I rarely have the time, the money, or the energy to go out with friends, or watch my musician friends play music, so all I do is work, go home, & sleep. On Mondays I take lunch to my Grampa. I sit and listen to him repeat the same stories he always tells each week, look at whatever new thing he's uncovered as he cleans out the house-preparing it for when he's gone, am reminded that my Grandma is already gone, dust, vacuum, water the plants, & wonder sadly if this week will be our last lunch together. I have sensed for a long while now that my time at my church was at an end. Now that our minister has left I know it was a sign that I was right. There's no joy or excitement there for me either, not like there used to be. I haven't got lost in a book in I don't know how long-I mean really lost in it, consumed by another world, not like I used to. I used to devour books. I've gone & bought ones I've thought sounded interesting, but I never seem to start them, or if I do I lose interest & leave them halfway done. I used to HAVE to finish a story if I'd started it, even if I didn't really like it, but not anymore. Even if I like a book, it never gets finished. I rarely even find solace in my writing anymore. I used to write in a journal nearly every night & keep a notebook with me so that any spare moment could be filled with my scribblings. I do write still, but the words don't always just pour out of me the way they used to, and I can't remember the last time I wrote in a journal. So no, I couldn't think of a single thing that brings me joy, other than her, my dad, my sister, & my dog who I am blessed to have in my life, but I'm guessing she was looking for something beyond that and I couldn't give it to her. So I thought about it. What would really bring me joy? I was bored last night and turned on a show on Netflix called The Fall. One of the lead characters is a serial killer at night, but he spends his days as a grief counselor and with his wife and two children. One evening his daughter wakes up screaming with a night terror and his wife, wanting to console her daughter, says that she wishes she could know what was going through her daughter's mind when it happens. Her husband, the secret serial killer, who had snuck off to look at a weird journal he keeps of the women he's killed, is hiding it just out of his wife's gaze and says, "We can't know what is going on in anyone's mind, and the world would be an intolerable place if we could." Wow. It was so in line with what happened in the news last night, the news of Robin Williams' death, which at this early stage is thought to be from suicide. This man, who was considered one of the funniest on earth, got lost in the darkness. He forgot where the light comes from & that he carries a part of it within himself. So, of course, everyone is remembering their favorite roles he played. One of my favorites was the voice of Genie in the Disney movie Aladdin. (I know, big surprise.) There is a scene in the movie where Aladdin turns it around on Genie and asks, "What would YOU wish for?" The Genie's answer? Freedom. That's my answer. THAT is what would give me joy in my life. I already have that you say? This is America, the land of the free right? Bear with me for a second as I try to explain. Anyone who has known me for at least a minute knows that I am a Disney girl through & through. I believe in magic, that good always triumphs over evil, & that true love is the greatest power of all. No matter what the world or my head tells me, I can't seem to ever really give up hope. All the ingredients for a Disney Princess, so that must be what I am, right? I don't think so. Some may be shocked to hear me say that, but let me explain. First let me say that I love the Disney Princesses as much as the next Disney Girl. I do not think they are as helpless & inactive as most people believe them to be. Walt Disney himself said that Cinderella didn't wait around for Prince Charming, she went out & found him. Yes, she had help, but the ultimate choice to take that chance was on her. I could point out something about each of them that I think is admirable, but that's not the point of this post. (I'd be more than happy to hear your thoughts/discuss, in the comments.) The point is that as admirable as they are & as much as I may have in common with many of them, I am not a princess. I am a pirate. Savvy? No? I don't mean I want to come to your house & pillage it. (Unless you have Reese's peanut butter cups. I will pillage the heck outta those!) What I mean is the mind set, the way of being sort of. I was never afraid of the ride as a kid, that I can remember. It has always been my favorite. Something about it draws me in. Have you seen the movie, The Pirates of the Carribean: The Curse of the Black Pearl? Do you remember what Jack Sparrow says to Elizabeth when they are stranded on the deserted island, about why he's so desperate to have his ship back? He tells her that when he has his ship & his crew back he'll go wherever he wants to go because "that's what a ship is... What the Black Pearl really is, is freedom."
Freedom. Shout it like Braveheart! FREEDOM! That is what I truly desire in this life. I think all human beings desire it. I hate to feel trapped with no way out, no options. That is the worst feeling, except being told what to do. I cannot stand to be told what to do. I know it's a flaw & actually I usually do what I'm told, depending on the context, but in my head I'm screaming. When someone tries to tell me what to do I immediately want to go out & do the exact opposite. I don't know why, I just get all fired up if I feel like I'm being chained down. Lately life feels that way a lot. Like a chain weighing me down. I hate that I never seem to have any extra money to do anything more than pay my bills. I hate that I have to work at all, to be honest. I want to be able to just drop everything & go on a trip spontaneously. If I want to drive to California on a Wednesday night I should be able too. At least, I think so. I know it's selfish to want to just do whatever I want whenever I want & not have any rules. I worry that I'm too selfish & that there's something wrong with me. There are days that I'd honestly be ok not seeing anyone ever again. Well, maybe not ever, but for a long while. I want to just put my car on the freeway & drive til I can't anymore & not look back. I mean, that's just wrong. Right? Right or wrong it's how I feel, but let me clarify something too. I love the idea of doing whatever I want whenever I want to do it but I don't like the idea of doing nothing. Does that make sense? Yes, one or two days to really do nothing is nice but it soon gets tired & stagnant. That's when you get lost in darkness. I know. I don't want to be stagnant. I want to move like the ocean currents that are full of life! I want to go on adventures. I want the wind in my sails & the sun on my face, & have no one to answer to but God. God. God is the only one I actively listen to on purpose. As much as I can & as best as I can. It's not always easy to hear and discern what God is telling you. Especially lately, to me, when it feels like He has withdrawn or stepped back for some reason, but I do my best. I have learned that when I have a "gut" feeling, it's usually God trying to tell or show me something. I believe God wants me, and all his children, to have freedom and that he has given me, each of us, the means to claim it. For me? My writing. The only way I'm going to escape the cage of everyday life is if I write myself a way out, an escape route. That's how I see all good stories-an escape route out of this world for a time. God knows how heavy this world can be & I believe that He has given us all different escape routes that work for us & our unique personalities. For my sister it's keeping things tidy, my mom loves to read, my dad escapes to the golf course, a friend of mine escapes by doing laundry, calls it a spiritual experience. She is welcome to come escape to my house & get spiritual any time she wants! My point is, how wonderous is our God that He has made us each in our own way & provided a way for each of us to escape to our own unique happy place when we need a break? How lucky am I that I can make up my own escape route whenever I like? It is simply a part of who I am, my life blood & I carry it with me at all times. Praise The Lord! Lately my mantra has been, "I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future." When nothing seems to work anymore, the days seem dim, the nights even darker, & even the light inside of me seems to have faded, I remember where my light comes from-from God. Though it may seem like it at times, I am never truly lost in darkness because, "the light shines in the dark & the darkness CANNOT overcome it." I know. I know that this life is dark and hard and painful and that sometimes it feels like it would be nicer, more peaceful to just give up, but God gave you this life so you could live it. Please, whoever you are, wherever you are, rich & famous, poor & homeless, or somewhere in between-you have a light! Let it shine! Weigh anchor & shove off mates! It's time to set sail for freedom! In the words of Jack Sparrow, "Bring me that horizon." Today is national Sisters Day. Ironically, it is also my sister's birthday. Go figure. Do any of you out there have siblings? If you don’t, let me tell you that it is a love/hate relationship, especially, the relationship between two sisters. As an older sister I’m told that I loved the new baby when she first came and helping my mom take care of her. Yet as we grew older and I wanted to be independent, having a younger sibling always wanting to tag a long was the last thing I wanted on earth. I would ask my parents, “Why did you give me a baby sister?” and their answer was always, “So that you would have a friend.” This may sound patronizing, as if my parents didn’t think I would make any friends of my own, but the fact is it is completely true. I’m independent, and an introvert. Any sort of social interaction with someone I don’t know already gives me palpitations and I will avoid it and fight it tooth and nail if I can. So for a log time yes, my sister was my only friend. I do not remember any sort of significant friend in my life before I was eight years old and we moved to Phoenix. Even then I only had a few close ones, even to this day. My parents were right. I needed a friend built into my life. One I was "forced" to interact with as a part of my family, because I will not do it on my own. In the same way that Moses knew that he wasn’t a good speaker and had his brother Aaron speak for him most of the time; I know that I too am not a speaker. I am a writer, and my sister, Erin, speaks for me most of the time. She can read my feelings, even when I try to hide them from others, and voices them out loud and keeps me from being the doormat I would allow myself to be without her around. My sister followed me around as a girl scout when I had to sell cookies and spoke to the people for me as we went door to door. It was a part of her destiny I think. Not only did my parents see that I needed an advocate, God did too, and he sent me Erin. My sister was born on a Friday. Do you remember that old rhyme, Monday’s Child? According to the rhyme, “Friday’s child is loving and giving.” My sister has always loved people. She embarrassed me by walking up to other people’s tables when we were out at restaurants and asking them about their food and what not. My sister was the kid in kindergarten who had to hug everybody before they left for the day. She has such compassion for other people, a compassion that I could never have, nor understand myself. Family, friend or stranger, she would actually give you the shirt off of her back if she thought it would help you out. It is the best thing about her. My sister and I have been through many things together, but that’s the greatest thing about everything we’ve been through. The greatest thing is that we’ve been through it together. In a world of brokenness, we are still together and still love and care about each other. We're still friends. Now that I am 33 and she is, as of today, 30, I have come to love her more than I ever thought possible when I was only eight years old and into my “tween” years. Thank you, Sister, for being the perfect complement to me, and thank you Mom and Dad for giving me the best friend I ever had and ever will have. A letter to the Phoenicians from the disciple Leslie, a follower of Christ. To the church of Coolwater, greetings to you my brothers & sisters in Christ Jesus & blessings to you all. When I think of where we came from and how small we started I praise God for the mighty works He has done through the un-mighty hand of Coolwater. There is no way to count all the things Coolwater has done with so few resources. Surely it is only through the grace of God that it was accomplished. I trust that God knows our deeds & holds our congregation in His hands. Our little congregation has made it through many dangers, toils, and snares to get where we are today, and now we face yet another season of change. Our pastor is leaving us to follow Christ's call. Our founding family is moving on to the next phase of growth in their ministry to a new place, with new people, & new work to be done in the name of God. If you are like me, the news of this move caused sadness & grief. After twelve years of working side by side together & getting to know each other on a more personal & intimate level, how could we not feel grief, and sadness? How could we not hope that he and Jennie would, as David said, stay just a little bit longer? They can't stay longer, no matter how much we may wish it. So then what are we to do as a congregation in grief? Do we dig in our heels & pout like children? No. David & Jennie have led us into a faith with more maturity than that & it is time to set aside childish things. So how can we move on to a place of peace? By taking our cue from some children's stories. Let me explain... (You should know me by now, yes some Disney references are coming up.) In the Disney movie Mary Poppins, young Jane & Michael Banks write a letter requesting the perfect nanny to look after them. Their father listens reluctantly and after they've left, tears up their letter & throws it in the fireplace. It is then swept up the chimney and carried like a burnt offering up to the clouds. Not long after, Mary Poppins ends up on the Banks' doorstep. Jane and Michael quickly come to love Mary Poppins, prompting one of them to ask her, you won't ever leave us, will you? Mary simply answers, "I shall stay until the wind changes." Meaning, she will be there until she has done what she came for. In another Disney movie, Pete's Dragon, the orphan Pete is befriended by a dragon named Elliot who helps him escape a mean & careless family and find a new loving home. When Elliot tells Pete he has to go, Pete begs him to stay but Elliot explains that there are other children out there who need his help too. He has more work to do. Jane and Michael and Pete were all sad to see their loved ones go, but they understood it had to happen for a greater purpose. So this is how I find peace in my mind. David & Jennie have accomplished what they set out to do, establish a new church. Here at Coolwater the wind has changed and there is more work to do, for both David and Jennie, and for us. How can we ask them not to follow Christ's call when that is what brought them to us? How can we beg them to stay & deny another congregation the experience of their ministry and friendship when we know first hand the amazing things God is capable of doing through them? I cannot wish that, no matter how terribly I will miss them. So, though I am grieving over this goodbye, I also rejoice for the time we have had, which has been more than most, and smile at the thought of what other miracles God will bring to fruition through them. So thank you, David & Jennie for trusting God & following Him through the desert for 12 years towards His promise. Go now to the new place He has shown you. Go with our blessings upon you. May it be for you as it is written in 2 Corinthians 9:8-10: God is able to bless you abundantly so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. Today is our first Mother's Day without my grandma. More importantly, it is my mother's first Mother's Day without her mother. I can't even begin to imagine what that must feel like. I don't want to. My mom is my everything. There is no life without her. I've been putting off writing a blog about my grandma, just waiting for the right time & wondering if I even should, but what better time than on Mother's Day? My grandmother's full name was Shirley Ann Shroyer. The name Shirley means bright grassland. She was from Indiana. If you've never been there, let me tell you, it is nothing but bright grassland-flat and full of fields. It was here in the heartland that she learned to cook and clean and to have faith in God. She passed on all these skills and values to her children, and her grandchildren. There was nothing like a home cooked meal from scratch at Grama's house. She taught us how to make noodles from scratch for beef and noodles. She taught us to husk and blanche corn. She was a talented cake maker and decorator. She made wedding cakes and many of our birthday cakes as kids. The best memories though, were made when we grandkids all came together every year to bake Christmas sugar cookies. That was another beautiful thing about my grandmother, she included everyone. Whether you were blood related or not, you were family to my grandma. She included everyone and shared her wisdom with us all. In fact, a few of us grandkids have plans to continue on the cookie baking later this year with the great-grandkids. We know she'll be there in spirit. The name Ann means grace and mercy. My grandma was a very faithful person. There's a story that, as a young child, her mother was not going to a church regularly and she found a friend's family that would take her to church with them. She was my, my sister's, and my cousin Josh's first Sunday school teacher. Our foundation in faith and the Bible is largely in part from her. She taught us about God's love by example. While she definitely let us know when we were in the wrong or had crossed the line, it didn't take long before we were covered in hugs and kisses again. We all knew deep down that there was nothing we could do that would stop her love for us. She had a firm hand when we needed it, but we knew that all she did was out of love. I think my grandma was ALWAYS meant to be a Shroyer. The name Shroyer is from a German word Schrier which means a town crier or a person who calls people to worship. If you ever met my grandma, you know that she had no problem making her opinion be known. As my minister said at her memorial service, "we're all a mixed bag," and my grandma's tongue could be sharp if she wanted it to be. Most of the time however, she used it for good, like calling others to worship. Like I said, she was my first Sunday school teacher. She was also responsible for my grandfather coming to the faith and being baptized. She always had faith in God's love. My grandma, Shirley Ann Shroyer, was full of S.A.S. but she knew God's love, she showed God's love by always treating everyone like family, and she shared God's love with all she encountered. That is what I'll always remember about my grandma and what I'll carry on with me into the world. This Mother's Day post would not be complete without a discussion about my own mom. My mom is the strongest, kindest, smartest, all around best person I know. She has now become not only a terrific mom, but a terrific friend as well. I just enjoy her company. For several weeks now something has reminded me nearly every day now of how not only lucky, but truly blessed I am to have her as my mother, teacher, and guide in life. Everyday I see people who don't have as close a relationship with their mother's, if they have one at all. I was talking to someone the other day about laundry, and they didn't really know much about how to do it. At the end of our conversation they said, I was lucky as a kid, I never really had to do laundry. I walked away thinking, no... I'm the lucky one here. I have the means to take care of myself. From the time I was about ten years old I was taught how to do my own laundry, and to plan meals for the household. Heck, even before I could read I had a chore list for my room using only pictures, i.e. a picture of a made bed to make my bed, and a picture of a toy box to pick up my toys etc. My mom also taught us about God's love. If my grandmother was instrumental in the foundation of my faith, my mother is responsible for its maturity. I owe everything, everything, that is remotely good about myself to my mother. She has always been constructively firm when we needed it, without being harsh or mean. My sister's and my punishments always fit our crimes, and we always knew there were consequences for our actions. If Sis and I were fighting, we had to stand nose to nose without touching each other until Mom said we could leave. In that way my mom turned our screams of anger with each other, into squeals of laughter and happiness. My mother is a genius and a saint. She is the reason my life is worth living. I am more than beyond blessed to have her in my life. I love you Mommy. thank you for always guiding my steps, catching me when I fall, and proving God's love to me through the example of your enduring, limitless love. Happy Mother's Day. In Memory of
Shirley Ann Shroyer Hello everyone who reads this... i. e. Hi Mom! How are you my lovelies? I hope you're well. I just wanted to drop this quick little update so you all know that I haven't ignored you. So, I'm using the lovely Weebly mobile app to give you all a quick hello. There's no way to do this, other than to say it... My grandmother passed away the day after Valentine's Day. So that's a big part of why I've been silent on here. I've gone back and forth on if I should write a blog post about her. I think I will, but not just yet. When I feel the time is right. Anyway, I'm working on another idea for this blog. I don't know if it will really work the way I want it to, but I'm trying. I don't know for sure yet if I'm going to post it or not. I'll have to see how it ends up. So, that's about it for me my lovelies. Like I said, I hope you're all well. If you're reading this, thank you and... hi again Mom! Don't give up on me yet, I WILL have more for you. Peace, love, & Mickey Mouse, Leslie So here’s the thing. No one really gets me. There are people who come close, who know me very, very well, mostly my immediate family, and close friend. However, even they, like most people, don’t know, and don’t really understand everything that really goes on in my head & the way it works. Hell, even I don’t understand myself all the time. Now, I don’t say this to be all angsty, or “emo” as I’m told the kids say now-a-days. I’m just, well, different, and I don’t say that to “blow my own horn” or sound like I’m all trumped up. It’s just the way things are. I’m used to it. I recently saw the new Disney movie Frozen and one of the main characters, Elsa, has a song called Let it Go. I’ve decided it is my new theme song. It’s all about letting go of holding in who you truly are because of fear and to just be yourself and see what your gifts can do when they’re set free. Sometimes it’s hard to be different. Sometimes I’m proud to be different, but I keep that to myself so I don’t some off as snobby. Though, a lot of the time people mistake my silence for snobbery anyway. I assure you that’s not what it is. That’s me not wanting to say something stupid or put my foot in my mouth, which, I’m actually very good at doing. So, I don’t talk much. I write. I’m a writer. No, I don’t have anything published, but if you could spend even an hour in my head you’d know how true it is. I am a writer. I think differently. I see things others don’t. I think in story. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. It doesn’t matter where I am, what I’m doing, or not doing, I am thinking of how it would be written. I think of the adjectives I would use to describe what is going on and how I would use words to create the scene, the smells, the sights, the feel of that moment in time, how I would use words to make people see it, feel it the same way I do. For example, this evening as I was driving to see an advanced screening of Saving Mr. Banks (more on that later), I could hardly peel my eyes away from the amazing sunset. The warm colors covered the sky as the sun sank, looking like a cliché cowboy movie ending, and the clouds blazed in brilliant streaks that reflected the colors even more brightly. It was something you had to see for yourself, something that no picture could do justice. I watched that sunset as best I could and I just smiled, widely. I just felt pure joy and I thanked God for it. I just had this overwhelming feeling that everything would be okay, not that there’s really anything wrong with my life, but that’s the feeling that came over me. It was like a picture message from God saying, “Hey, remember, I got this. Everything is gonna be okay.” Do you see a sunset and think all that? Maybe, maybe not, maybe you get that feeling, but I’m sure you didn’t think out that whole description. So you see my point? So what does all this have to do with Disney and Mickey Mouse? Well, I’m working up to that. First off, let me start by saying that my very first trip to a Disney park was in 1982, only eight months after I was born, to Walt Disney World in Florida. You could say that the obsession was born in me then, just from the exposure at a young age. It’s more than that though, it’s the spirit behind it all, the whole Disney franchise, a spirit that came from Walt Disney himself, and is channeled through Mickey Mouse to this day. Mickey is not just a silly cartoon mouse. Walt Disney is quoted as saying, “The life and ventures of Mickey Mouse have been closely bound up with my own personal and professional life… Mickey Mouse is, to me, a symbol of independence… a little fellow trying to do the best he could. When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it's because he's so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.” Mickey is not perfect. Mickey is plucky and resourceful. Mickey really always does the best he can. Mickey doesn’t let too much get him down and when it does, he doesn’t stay down. Most importantly, to me anyway, is that Mickey always comes out on top (For the best example of this, go to Disneyland and watch Fantasmic). Mickey represents hope. Everyone wants hope, so everyone can relate to Mickey Mouse. That hope is carried through not just in Mickey Mouse cartoons, but in all their movies and theme parks. Walt Disney didn’t want the outside world to be seen by his guests. He wanted them to forget their worries from the outside if even for a day, to create an escape. That’s why they’re so loved by so many people all around the world. It’s a universal thing, and I feel the same as all the other. But, let me tell you the real reason I love Mickey and all things Disney… because it all makes me feel like I belong, like I’m less different, less odd. I don’t just enjoy all things Disney because I like the stories or the parks. I understand the kind of thinking that went into them, because I think in a lot of the same ways. Imagination is the medium I work with too. I get them, and though I can’t meet Mickey Mouse or Walt Disney because one isn’t real and the other passed away years before I was born… I know in my heart that they would get me too. Last night I saw an advanced screening of Saving Mr. Banks. It was everything I wanted it to be. It was everything it should have been. If you had asked me before this movie who I thought should have been chosen to play Walt Disney, Tom Hanks would have never crossed my mind. However, after seeing the commercials, and now the movie, I can’t imagine anyone else in the role. I also can’t believe that it took until 2013 to see Walt Disney portrayed in a film. I didn’t know much about Mrs. Travers before the movie, but Emma Thompson is equally brilliant and the two of them together are just perfect. I laughed, I cried, of course I cried; I was all weepy just from the commercials! I loved the details they put in the movie like how the way the Sherman brothers came up with the idea for “A Spoonful of Sugar” was after one of their kids had a vaccination day in school and they put the medicine in a cube of sugar. There were a bunch of other little tidbits and “inside jokes” for those who know what they’re looking for, but I won’t ruin it for you. The best part for me was a quote from Tom Hanks as Walt. If it’s a real Walt quote, I don’t know, probably not. He says to Emma Thompson’s P. L. Travers, “That’s what storytellers do. We restore order with imagination. We instill hope again and again.” That is the goal of my life summed up in a sentence. I write to escape. I write to create a world where things happen the way they should, even when they don’t in real life. I write to give people hope. At least, that’s my hope, and that’s why I love Mickey Mouse. Today is Walt Disney's birthday. My suggestion to you if you'd like to sort of honor his spirit? Get in touch with your inner child today. Look at the world through different eye if you can. Do something fun! For example, go fly a kite! Hello my lovelies. I’ve got a few things to talk about in this blog. First of all, I am super annoyed. Why? Because I had typed up the majority of this post already and my computer closed unexpectedly (due to me letting the battery die-but that’s beside the point) and I didn’t have it, couldn’t recover it, and I hate that. I had sworn I saved it, but it is lost in cyberspace where not even the space cowboy can find it. *sigh* Oh well. I just get frustrated because I feel like the words I had before won’t come back to me in the same way. Sure I know the gist of what I want to talk about, but something’s been lost and I’m afraid it won’t come back to me as well… it won’t be as good as it was when the idea was fresh in my brain. Anyway, can’t change it now. I hope you still enjoy this post anyway. Secondly I want to thank all my fellow PCOSers for their readership and support. As you know, there are some hard days when you live with this, some very hard days and when I am having one of those days, to see my huge page views and especially supportive comments makes me smile. Thank you, thank you with all my heart. I wrote the blog mostly as a release for myself and to not have to feel like I have to hide-like having PCOS was some sort of dirty little secret. The other reason I wrote it, was so other “cysters” knew they weren’t alone. We’re all in this together and I believe, as much as I hate this condition, that I have it for a reason. I believe God made me perfectly for a purpose, even if I don’t fully understand what that purpose is yet. We are strong ladies and that is because of this. So, for that reason, I wouldn’t change it. Don’t give up. I don’t want this whole blog to turn into a PCOS blog. I am more than my PCOS and I don’t intend on giving it more attention than it deserves. It doesn’t need attention-it needs help, kind of like Miley Cyrus now-a-days. No, I’m not going to go into a long drawn out rant about what a mess Ms. Cyrus is and how she needs help. She’s clearly seeking the attention she got from her performance at the VMAs, and she is an entertainer whose job it is to get you to think and talk about her. Love it or hate it, she did her job. Mission accomplished Miley-but this is all the attention you’re getting from me, and that’s begrudgingly. What I am gonna talk about is my boys. Oh the love I still have for them deep down in my soul burned anew last Sunday night. I don’t even know where to start with my thoughts on this. First of all if you don’t know what I’m talking about then one, what planet are you living on? ‘Cause it sure isn’t earth, and two, watch this video and you’ll know what I mean. Get More: 2013 VMA, Artists.MTV, Music, Justin Timberlake Do you see what I mean? Maybe you don’t. Unless you’ve been an ‘N Sync fan from the beginning (or even better, a fan since the Mickey Mouse Club days) I don’t know if you can ever fully know what I mean. If you haven’t been following along from the beginning then you didn’t watch with the same eyes as those of us who did. I just can’t even describe how epic it was! Let me start by saying that Justin Timberlake is supremely talented, talented beyond his years, talented beyond what any of us can truly comprehend. I honestly believe that no one on this planet could ever fully comprehend the depth of his talent. The fact that he makes it all look so easy up there on stage only makes it that much more amazing. He put us all under the spell of it on Sunday. It was a magic performance! (How did he get rid of that mic and then be ready in exactly the right spot to catch the next one?! And, uh, did he just walk over the crowd?! It was like a magic show!) Watch the audience, if you can manage to take your eyes off of him, and notice how they bounce in time to the beat, or follow his every instruction. Like a wizard, he had everyone screaming, or bouncing, and singing along at exactly the moment he wanted. Justin was right when he said, “I still run this b@%#!” He didn’t just run the whole show, he ran an audience of thousands in that facility (even other entertainers like Will Smith and Lady Gaga), and who knows how many of all of us at home. We were all perfectly happy to follow wherever he led too, because of the amazing talent he possesses. Talent like that isn’t earned, or learned. Yeah, pretty much anyone can learn to be on pitch when they sing, or hit the right dance moves, but talent like that doesn’t come from earthly pursuits. Talent like that comes from a higher power. What was so beautiful about watching Justin’s performance that night was that you were seeing someone full of joy in living out the life they were created and destined for. Clearly Justin Timberlake was made for no other reason and he knows it and so do we. How could we not? Look at the smile on his face! Whenever anyone is living a full and complete satisfied life doing what they were meant to do, what they were created for, it makes others stand in awe and jealousy. From a garbage collector, to a teacher, to an international entertainer, I believe we are all created by God for a specific purpose in this life, but as flawed humans we rarely learn exactly what it is and then if we do, actually have the courage to pursue and live it out. That’s what Justin Timberlake is doing, that’s what makes us adore him and at last Sunday’s performance the pure radiant joy that comes from that was just exuding off of him and all the rest of us could do was get high off the vapors he left. It was something that made me so happy to see. You see lately, I admit, I had begun to think that maybe Justin was getting a little… big for his britches you could say. I’m not sure how to explain it. Not that I ever thought he was a bad person, or ungrateful, just that he had reached so high a status that he had maybe lost some of his humility. It was as if he’d reached that super level of stardom where a celebrity is no longer a person really, but a commodity, a thing, a persona, not a person… like the true Justin was lost or buried under all that. I’m not sure if that fully or properly describes what I had been feeling, but it was just my own personal opinion and it doesn’t mean much because let’s face it. I don’t and never will know him personally. Yet, to see the genuine smile of gratitude and enjoyment on his face pushed all that aside. Here was Justin, the kid we all remembered from ‘N Sync’s early days who was happy. He's risen above being jaded and was just having fun. Speaking of ‘N Sync, their mini reunion was full of awesomesauce. Oh yes, I said awesomesauce. First of all I love how Justin said, “We gonna show you young boys how to do it.” Cute. Second, Jayden Smith’s face as they all came onstage-priceless. All of them, especially JC and Justin, have been so adamant about not staging a reunion that, despite all the rumors, I was still pretty surprised it actually happened and the last person I thought would do so, gave us what we’d all wanted for quite a while now. Oh the glory of it! Again, if you’re not a fan, or wasn’t a fan from the early days, then you really can’t understand just how happy this made us. The beauty of it was not the performance or the songs, it was them. It was the payoff at the end for the fifteen or twenty seconds after their performance when Justin gave them all a hand shake or a high five and the looks on their faces at being together for a common purpose again. That was always the greatest thing about them as a group; they really were/are friends and really, more like brothers. This performance was reminiscent of their early days as well. This wasn’t a job, this wasn’t an obligation. This was four guys coming together for their brother to support him and having fun doing it. I’m not ashamed to say that on the inside I was sixteen again, jumping and “squeeing” like I used to. On the outside I was singing along, mimicking the old dance moves I still know by heart, and beaming from ear to ear. It was more proof that Justin hadn’t lost anything, his humility, his humanity, nothing. This was his gift to us in gratitude for being his fans for so long. Then, while we were all reeling from the shock and amazement, Justin just kept going! Again, if you can take your eyes off of him, look at how huge the crowd is! There were people everywhere and so many little stages that I couldn’t tell where the main stage was anymore. There were dancers on all of them as well, not just around Justin. I can’t imagine how much work went into the orchestration of all that, again I say, it was magic! Then, finally, sadly, it was over. Jimmy Fallon presented the award, saying exactly what we all felt after watching that. Justin just shook his face in disbelief and amazement that this is his life. Then, if just the performance didn’t do enough to remind me that Justin was still the hometown boy he always was, his acceptance speech sealed the deal. His love for his four brothers was still there. He expressed gratitude with grace, humility, and as he does, a bit of humor. It was perfect. It was magic. Get More: 2013 VMA, Artists.MTV, Music Get More: 2013 VMA, Artists.MTV, Music Finally, he was awarded the moon man for video of the year for his video Mirrors. Now, I suppose someone could argue that he’s an entertainer and an actor and he knows just what to say to get a certain reaction, and I suppose that’s true, but it’s not hard to see when someone is not being genuine. Justin was genuine throughout. Get More: 2013 VMA, Artists.MTV, Music I’m so happy his video for Mirrors won. Knowing that it’s a personal song for him and about his grandparents and his new wife, it really is beautiful. I have liked the song from the moment I heard it and my love for it only grows. I listen to it over and over many times in a row and still want to listen to it again and again. This is the kind of thing that should win awards and be applauded and talked about and recognized. Love. Besides, isn’t ‘Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul I can tell you there’s no place we couldn’t go, one of the greatest lines in a song ever? Comedian Jo Koy posted on his Facebook that night, “Remember that time when the Justin Timberlake concert was called the VMAs?” and he’s right. It was Justin’s night and we were all just onlookers. Thank you Justin for sharing your talent and just making us all happy by being able to watch, thank you for being a classy guy, and thanks for showing me how to feel sixteen again. Today is April 22, 2013. I have been seeing/hearing/feeling the number twenty-two all over the place today in small ways. I don’t know what, if anything, it means, but it made me stop and think about what twenty-two means to me. I have always considered it to be one of my “lucky” numbers, if there is such a thing. I never play the lottery so I don’t know why I would need lucky numbers, but I just like it. I like the way it looks and I like to write it. If written in a certain way, the two is an elegant looking number with the delicate little flourish at the bottom. I like the way it sounds when you say it, the way each “t” springs off your tongue. It’s an even number and divides nice and exactly. Split it in half and you have eleven, which is another of my “lucky” numbers and one I see all over the place all the time. "...I'd be happy... like the older girls in magazines, movies, and TV..." When I was a young girl I remember believing that twenty-two was the “it” age. I believed when I was twenty-two life would be all set. To me, twenty-two was officially “grown-up” status and I’d be happy as a clam. I would be done with school, I would have a slim figure like the older girls in magazines, movies, and TV, I’d be married, I’d have a great job that I loved, a grown up job-a career. My dreams were so simple then, as a young girl. All I wanted was to be twenty-two because twenty-two was where things were perfect. At twenty-two I’d have no more worries, no more troubles and life would be perfect. My favorite uncle died in 1991 at the age of twenty-two. I was ten. I remember thinking my uncle was so grown up. He was in the navy, he had a real nice girlfriend that was so nice to me and my sister, and everyone loved him. He was the only redhead in the whole family and he sparked up a room when he walked into it with his fiery personality. Yet, as cool and grown up and amazing as he was in my eyes, he always had time for his nieces and nephews. His death was the single most tragic thing to happen to this family during my lifetime. In 2003 I turned twenty-two myself. What a shock. I didn’t feel grown up at all, farthest thing from it. I didn’t have all the things I thought I would. I still lived at home with my parents. I didn’t even have a car. I didn’t have a boyfriend, let alone a husband, no freedom, no drop dead gorgeous figure, nothing about me that I thought said, “Hey this girl is grown up and has it all together”. I did have a great job at the time, working for the PetSmart corporate office. Still, I felt like I had missed something, some vital choice that I’d made wrong, or that I’d been cheated somehow. Then I realized that I was the same age as my uncle when he passed away. That was a real weird place to be. Suddenly, when I looked at his picture, frozen in time, he looked different. He didn’t look as old, as “grown up”, as he used to. It was then I began to really feel just how young twenty-two really is. I find myself thinking about him from time to time, usually at some big family event, wishing he were here, feeling like he should be a part of it. However, like my dad told me once when I mentioned this, he is here, in each of us, looking down on us. He’s seen all of it, my high school graduation, my sister’s college graduation, my cousins’ graduations and marriages and births, all of it. This year I will turn thirty-two, a whole ten years older than my “magic” age, and I still don’t have it all figured out. Some days I feel so old, like I should have had it all put together and finalized at twenty-two, like I missed my chance for greatness. I’ve only just begun to realize that that’s not true. I don’t have to have it all figured out even at thirty-two. Honestly, where’s the fun in that? What I didn’t realize at the time, wishing I’d have everything set at twenty-two, was that if everything was set and perfect, no worries, no troubles, no fears, that there’d also be no more adventures, no fun, no risks, nothing new, no living. Life may as well have ended if you think about it. If there’s nothing more to accomplish, nothing better to aim for, then why keep going? I certainly didn’t want it to be all over at twenty-two the way it ended for my uncle. There’s too much I want to do. I have a different view now of twenty-two then I did back when I was ten. I still think it’s a great age. You’re old enough to be free, but still young enough to have the world at your feet. I’ve also realized that the old saying is true, (funny thing about those old sayings-must be why they’ve lasted long enough to be “old” sayings.) you really are only as old as you feel. Right now? I feel twenty-two. Okay kids, it’s time for some admissions and confessions. Let me just say, that I give fair warning now. There may be some discussions ahead that may make some a bit squeamish. Nothing graphic or rude though, I promise. It’s time for me to come out of the closet as it were. No, not that closet. I guess for me it’s more like coming out of the pantry, a pantry full of carbs and sweets. Let me explain. I have PCOS. There, I said it. That wasn’t so bad. For those not in the know, (which is pretty much everyone who doesn't have it and when you try to explain it to someone who doesn't have it they just think you have diabetes) PCOS is short for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It sounds all serious and official doesn’t it? That’s why it’s more commonly known by its initials, or I’ve also heard it called “pee-kohs” or “pay-kohs”. In fact, I’ve heard recently that they may be changing the name all together because it’s confusing. Anyway, the point is, no matter how many “cute” names you find to call it, it is anything but a cute condition to have. In fact, it’s the farthest thing from it, the exact opposite of cute. PCOS is, in short, a hormone imbalance and usually in most cases, a resistance to insulin, though it is not diabetes. Symptoms include, overweight or obesity, inability to conceive, thinning hair on your head, yet too much hair on all the rest of your body, especially the face, dark patches of skin, and skin tags, just to name a few. Does that sound cute to you? I live with it every day and I assure you it’s not, not at all. The term PCOS was first brought to my attention by my mother. I forget exactly how long ago it was, but I believe I was around high school aged. At the time, my “monthly schedule” was pretty regular and I wasn’t severely overweight (though I always thought I was) because I was young, more active, and had PE and walked home from school every day. So, needless to say, while I had other symptoms, like the dark patches of skin, thinning hair on my head but enough hair on the rest of my body to qualify as a female Robin Williams, and a 5:00 shadow, I ignored it. At some point though, after high school when I was less active, started working in an office where I sat all day, and just got older, my symptoms got worse and I ceased to receive my "monthly gift" from Mother Nature. I couldn’t ignore it anymore. So, I started to accept the fact that this was a part of my life and not going away no matter how much I ignored it. The more I realized that, the worst I felt and it soon turned into a grand and glorious pity party. I told myself this was my lot in life, I was stuck this way and there was nothing I could do about it. Anytime I tried to work on eating better and doing exercise my body resisted the change, practically fought against it. Due to the hormone imbalance and resistance to insulin, my body craves the very things it shouldn’t have-carbs and sugar. However, these only perpetuate the problems and make you crave them even more. It’s like an addict trying to fight an addiction. It is a vicious, circling, downward spiral that takes great willpower to fight, willpower that as a teenager and young adult I did not have. If my friends were together enjoying pizza then why couldn’t I? If I went to the movies then why couldn’t I enjoy some popcorn or a pretzel like everyone else? I just wanted, I still want, to be normal. This is my face in the morning before I shave it for the day. Having a few, well several, extra pounds is not the worst part of this however. The worst part for me is the hirsutism. Hirsutism is a fancy word for hair growth, excessive hair growth, emphasis on the excessive. A quote I found on hairchick.com defines hirsutism perfectly as “…a condition in which women suffer from excess hair – in some cases, as much hair on the face and body as men. Generally, it refers to hair growth that mimics hair growth normal in men. This means, women with hirsutism may grow hair on their chest, face, and even back as well as on their legs and arms.” Yet the hair on my head, that should be full and long and thick, is thinning and frail and falling out. The truth behind why my hair is in a ponytail 95% of the time is that it covers the very thin, almost bald patch, at the top of my head. It’s like being a man and is depressing to say the least. This brings me to another side effect of this condition, depression. It’s not hard to see how all these issues could make one feel depressed. I feel robbed of everything that makes me a woman, like I’m no longer a woman. I am constantly self-conscious and paranoid that everyone who looks at me only sees how fat and hairy I am. It makes it worse when people actually say something. For example, I went to a grocery store once and while there I bought a generic form of some Rogaine to see if that would help with the hair loss on my head. Somehow it had got one of those little security tags on it that makes the alarm go off when you walk out the door, and although I had paid for it, no one took it off at the register and it set the alarm off. A female employee inspected my bag and found it, however, she then proceeded to inspect my head and confirm that yes I was losing my hair and frankly, I was so mortified that I tuned out whatever else she said in an attempt to flee the scene as soon as possible. I went home and cried, hard. I threw the box of stuff away. I couldn’t look at it without remembering the embarrassment of the grocery store and it made me sad and angry. She probably thought she was offering advice or helping in some way and she has no idea how deeply her actions hurt me. People have commented on my arm hair as well, mostly little kids, who can’t be blamed. I tell them that my dad was a monkey and that makes them laugh. Some adults have said things, and while it was never to my face, I have heard them. I now shave my arms, along with my legs, face, and chest. The extra hair on my body disgusts me, and every time I look in a mirror, brush my hand against my face to feel bristles, or decide against wearing a low cut shirt because I’ve not shaved my chest it just gets worse. There have been some very dark moments that’s for sure. There have been times where I wished to not go on living another day trapped in this horrible body that I didn’t ask for. All this makes it hard to let anyone in, especially a potential mate. No guy wants a girl’s arms around him that are harrier than his. No guy wants to kiss a girl whose 5:00 shadow has come through. No guy wants to take a girl out with bristles on her chin and chest. I don’t blame them. It’s like I’m under a curse. The hair, the fat, the depression is not who I am inside. It’s like a cage I’m trapped in. I want to be married. I want to find my soul mate-the one who will see through the curse and break the spell. I know I was meant to be a wife. I’ll be a good one, a faithful one, a strong one. I’ll be lucky if it happens though. It’s a good thing that I don’t want children either because, bonus, this condition makes you infertile as well. I’m not concerned with that part though. There’s no way I will have a child. What if I had a girl? I’d be so miserable if that were to happen. I cannot, I will not, allow myself to willingly pass on this horrible condition. No. It needs to die out. So there you have it, my confession, my sad little tale. Boo hoo. Woe is me. I have no right to complain really. I don’t have cancer, I don’t have some rare disease that’s fatal and incurable. It’s not a condition you fight like cancer, or survive. It’s something you have to live with, manage, and control. It’s not easy, it will never be easy. It takes effort, willpower, and a positive attitude when you fail, and you will fail at times. I have to accept that. Finally though, I feel ready. I’m ready to learn as much as I can and to turn this around. Only time will tell if I have what it takes. I pray to God for the strength I need and the hope to see me through. It really feels like fighting an addiction. I recently watched an episode of the show Intervention and the girl who was having an intervention went through abuse and bullying and so many horrible things, but she knew God, and though she was mad at Him in the midst of her pain, by the time she decided to go to rehab she was thanking her family and three months later, thanking God. It struck me because in all the episodes I’ve seen of that show the addicts throw fits or go reluctantly, not willing to give up their addictions really. They never say thank you. Yet, this girl thanked them all. She changed her attitude and was grateful to have help and be set free. I’m grateful for my sister who is ready to change just like I am, and to take charge of our lives. I’m so happy that I have her by my side. I’d be so lost without her and that’s the truth. I’m grateful for the PCOS Diva. Her knowledge is inspiring and helpful and educational. I’m so grateful for such a resource of knowledge so we have the tools to manage this once and for all. Please visit her website at http://pcosdiva.com/ Lastly, but most importantly I am beyond grateful for my mother. Without her initial research all those years ago we’d probably still be wondering what was wrong. I’d still be convinced that I’d be trapped forever in this prison that is my body. She’s such a strong and amazing person and I’m so thankful that she gave me life. In My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Tulah’s mother says that she gave her children life so that they could live it. Well, I’m ready to live it, finally. It’s time to take charge and wipe the slate clean and see if I have what it takes to transform this body from prison to temple. Well, no surprise I got busy over the holidays and with my mom having her knees replaced that the end of this just got pushed aside. I did do my best to find something glad about each day and I think I succeeded.
I've always been observant and seen the small things in the background that no one else notices. It's just how my brain works. I suppose it's just more proof I was born to be a writer. This little project of mine has taught me to be observant of the glad. There are still days that are harder than others, but they pass. Right now, as I sit here writing this I can think of so many things to be glad of. I'm glad that my mother was able to recover enough from her surgery to be able to come home in time for Christmas, and that she continues to amaze me with her strength as she works on her recovery and physical therapy. She's such a rock. I'm glad to have had a few moments to sit with my dad and watch a football game. We were rooting for opposing teams but we still had fun. I'm so supremely glad to be the roommate of one of the best sisters anyone could ask for. She is in the kitchen cooking. She's amazing to watch. She has no recipe, no real plan even. She mixes and dices and puts together all these foods and flavors so skillfully. She meticulously cuts and slices veggies and prepares pans and commands the kitchen. She knows exactly what she wants and what she's doing. She takes mistakes and mishaps in stride when the unexpected occurs and makes them work. The best part is that you can see she loves it and that she is at peace as she works. Even though she's making it up as she goes, to the unknowing onlooker she appears to be just another knowledgable chef on the Food Network and if it tastes even half of what it smells like it will be delicious. I am glad for the new year. Many things are beginning it feels like and others are ending. I am glad even for the things that have to end. They've taught me lessons and made me a better person and I do not regret. I will cherish the memories and be glad for them. So here's to a new year my lovelies. I'm going to enjoy the delicious meal my sister created. Let's make it a great year, lucky 13! Take a leap, grasp hold of change, and above all BE GLAD! I know, I know. I've been behind on this. I haven't been posting everyday. In my defense, I warned you in the first post that this might happen. I will do my best to post my glad findings on here each day, but if I miss a day or two, know that I am writing them down & will compile them when I do post on here. So, can't say you didn't know. However, I did say I'd be keeping track of my glads. So, here you go: Day 12: Today I am glad that I have such an amazing mom. Today was her birthday and I am so glad she was born. She is the best mom anyone could ask for & I owe her everything. She's always behind me supporting, pushing when I need it, or out front pulling when I've dug my feet in the ground. Though most of us would like to, we can't escape becoming our parents at least in some small ways. If I end up even half like my mom (the half of me that's like my dad puts up a pretty good fight for the whole thing) then I know I'll be just fine. Day 13: Today I am glad for Donny and Marie Osmond. Didn't you know? They're my close personal buddies. Ok, not really, but my mom was such an avid fan when she was young, knew so much about them, and has told me and my sister so many stories about them that in a way I feel they are buddies. When I heard that they were coming to Arizona to do a set of shows for Christmas, opening the day after my mom's birthday, I knew exactly how we were meant to celebrate her birthday. I discussed with Sister and she of course agreed. So, we conspired to buy the tickets & kidnap her for the evening. Have I mentioned I love surprising people? We slipped the tickets into her birthday card. We totally got her. The show was great, by the way. The two of them are just so darn cute! Even now when they're, how shall I say this, not quite as spry as they used to be years ago, they still put on a great show. Donny got some background dancers and, during a performance of "Yo-yo", did the same dance he and his brothers used to do back in the early days, jumps and everything. Now, it's not hard hitting choreography, but for a 50 something year old I was impressed. He had some moves for his song "Soldier of Love" as well. Then there was Marie, who is my mom's age, dancing around herself, in stiletto heels the whole show no less. On top of that, girl has some pipes! She sang an opera song, well. Anyway, point is, they don't know it, but Donny and Marie did more than entertain us that night. They gave us a memory of a wonderful night out with our mom that my sister and I will never forget. Day 14: Today I'm glad that the week started off so well and to know that it's already half over. Phew! Day 15: Today I am glad that I got an unexpected text message from my pal Betsy. A text message asking for my address so she could send me mail. As in, old fashioned mail. I love mail! Day 16: Today I am glad that it's Friday. I am glad that it was my short day at work and even more glad that I handled everything on my to do list at work despite it being a short day. I felt very on top of my stuff on Friday. Day 17: Today I am glad that I had alone time. Not many people understand this, but I enjoy just being alone and being the master of myself and my little universe. It's not always pretty inside my head, which is generally why I don't let other people in there, but it's the only head I've got. Sometimes I just have to go in alone and face the darkness inside and do some cleaning, evaluating, or just flood the whole thing out with some tears. Lastly, I'm glad that I have 23 more days ahead that I know for sure I'll find something to be glad about. What are you glad about? Just for the giggles, I'll leave you with some 70's boyband goodness. Enjoy! Note: For added enjoyment mute this video and play an N Sync song over it. Good times, good times. Yes, today I'm playing a little catch up. The last of this holiday weekend I've spent trying to enjoy every minute of responsibility free time before returning to work tomorrow. So there's one thing I'm glad for, the freedom of this four day weekend. Do you think it would be frowned upon if I wore yoga pants to work tomorrow?
Eh, wishful thinking, I know. A girl can dream right? Speaking of yoga, I'm gonna say that I'm glad for Facebook. Now, 1st you may be saying to yourself, what in heavens name does yoga have to do with Facebook? Well kiddies, I'll tell you. Someone posted a video on Facebook about a wounded veteran who changed his life by never giving up and through yoga. You should watch it, here: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TmVdfFKiaLU So yes, I am glad for Facebook. Wether this story is true or not, & who knows, it's at least inspirational to believe it could be. I am glad to have a job, even though I dread going back. There are many out there who don't have that luxury. I am glad for my church family. Thank goodness for the sermon today, which was on worry. It spoke to my heart & I'm gonna try not worry as much as I do. Lastly, I'm glad that I have 29 more days ahead that I know for sure I'll find something to be glad about. What are you glad about? Well, lets see. Some days this is just a bit harder.
Today I am glad to have had a lazy day to rest. Today I am glad to have spent time with a friend I haven't seen in a long while. We had a blast as usual. Lastly, I'm glad that I have 31 more days ahead that I know for sure I'll find something to be glad about. What are you glad about? Happy Thanksgiving! It's been a great day of feasting. A successful first year of hosting Thanksgiving for me and Sister. So, today I'll be turning my glads into thankfuls.
Today I am thankful for my family. Without them our Thanksgiving meal would not have happened. I'm so lucky and blessed to have such a great support system. Today I am thankful for my friends as well. You all are just like family to me and I love you. You keep me sane and make me laugh. Today I am thankful for good food. Not everyone today is able to experience an over full belly today and it reminds me how blessed I am for everything I have. Lastly, I'm glad that I have 32 more days ahead that I know for sure I'll find something to be glad about. What are you glad about? As I start this entry it's only 6 past midnight. So, I'm not as far off schedule as the past two. I'm glad for that!
Today I am glad that I got to leave work early because my mind was definitely already on vacation. Today I am glad for the knowledge that I will NOT be going out into any Black Friday sales. I had to pick up something's at Target and was already annoyed with the crowds. From now til Monday I intend to stay holed up in my house! Today I am glad I got to spend time with my mom preparing food for tomorrow. My mom is prob'ly the one person who understands me the most, & that's not even all the time. Still, she & I are a lot alike & it's always interesting to see what happens when we put our heads together. Today I'm glad for anticipation. I'm excited for tomorrow. Sister and I have been up late and working hard to prep the house for our first year of hosting Thanksgiving dinner. Man, life is good, so so good my lovelies. We've come a long way & yet still have far to go. Lastly, I'm glad that I have 33 more days ahead that I know for sure I'll find something to be glad about. What are you glad about? Geeze! I did it again! I think I put it out of my mind because I had posted one already. Yeah, that's my excuse. ;) Ok, in regards to yesterday... Today I am glad that I stayed late at work to make sure everything was done. Today I am glad there was a Home Depot right off the freeway on my way home so that it was easy for me to go in & pick up the gallon of paint requested by my Sister. Today I am glad that by 2:00 AM Sister and I had our whole kitchen painted and ready for our Thanksgiving feast tomorrow, or well today since it's 2:00 AM, but yeah, you know what I mean. Lastly, I'm glad that I have 34 more days ahead that I know for sure I'll find something to be glad about.
What are you glad about? See, I already forgot a day! So I'm doing this real quick since I forgot last night. Ok, so... pretend it's yesterday. *Wayne's World dream sequence segue*
Today I am glad that there are only two more days left of work for the week. Today I am glad that Sister and I were FINALLY able to decide on paint colors for the kitchen and back room. Today I am glad that this idea forces me to write, something, everyday. Today I am glad I got to see the new Twilight movie all the way through. Great way to end the series! Lastly, I'm glad that I have 35 more days ahead that I know for sure I'll find something to be glad about. What are you glad about? Oh let's see my lovelies. Where to start? You've heard of Christmas in July? Today was spring cleaning in the fall here. All in preparation for Thanksgiving. It's been a day full of yard work, house work, cleaning, and organizing. It feels good. So, let me tally up my glads for the day.
Today I am glad to have such a great family. The yard work was accomplished thanks to our cousins Luke and Jake. They are great guys for helping us out. It was equal parts manual labor and comedy act. We always have a good time when we get together. Today I am glad for my parents, especially my father, who graciously and selflessly helps us with the icky, technical "man's work" around here since his daughters have yet to secure husbands for the job. Today I am glad for rest. After the hustle and bustle of the day it's good to just sit and rest. I know my sister especially needs some good rest. Today I am glad that Sister and I hung up our map of the world and pinned up places we wanted to go. (I of course covered up England in a mess of red pins) It may sound silly but the thought of being able to slowly go around and turn the red pins of places we WANT to go into green pins of places we have BEEN is so exciting! Lastly, I'm glad that I have 36 more days ahead that I know for sure I'll find something to be glad about.
What are you glad about? Today I am glad that I have an aunt like my Aunt Susan. She passed along a newspaper article about the Phoenix Writer's Club having a meeting earlier today. A meeting which I attended. If you know me then you know that is completely against my nature to go, on purpose, into a situation, alone, where I know full well that I will have to meet & talk to strangers. However, I figured fellow writers couldn't be too bad. These are my people. I actually had fun, met a few interesting people, and heard a great guest speaker.
Today I am glad that God gave me the gift of words and that writing is not only my talent but my life. Even on a day like today that did not end as planned, I can sit here, writing the things I'm glad about and heal myself. Today I am glad for fun times with friends. Just going out to see a movie is a great way to escape and get immersed in a whole other world where your own worries and problems disappear for a few hours. Today I am especially glad that I have such an amazing sister who puts up with me, challenges me, but most importantly loves me. In the immortal words of Kelly Clarkson: Sister, "my life would suck without you." Lastly, I'm glad that I have 37 more days ahead that I know for sure I'll find something to be glad about. What are you glad about? I know that technically it is after midnight, but since I've not gone to bed yet I still consider it Friday. So, this is my day 2 gladness.
Today I am glad for my roommate. Today she moved into her brand new house. I'm glad for her that she is taking this new big step in her life, and while I'm gonna miss hanging out with her and all the crazy, fun adventures we had, I'm glad for the memories. Today I am also glad for music. There is a local band here in AZ that my sister and I like to go and listen to. I love just sitting listening to all the different parts that go into a song, picking out subtle guitar riffs or drum beats. While everyone else is busy shouting at each other over the noise in an effort to conversate, I'm focused on the band and singing along. Lastly, I'm glad that I have 38 more days ahead that I know for sure I'll find something to be glad about. Hello my lovelies. I hope you've all been enjoying the cooler weather, the crispness in the air, and all the joy autumn has to bring. I am writing this post from the app on my phone as opposed to my laptop, so I hope it looks as good to you all out there.
I'm writing this post because I want to try something. For those that don't know me, I am a Gemini. Now, I don't have any belief in the zodiac, but I do feel like a divided person a lot of the time. It takes me longer than the average person to make decisions, but once I've made one then I'm quick to follow thru. My emotions are often split as well. I go thru a lot of highs and lows but struggle to find a happy medium. For example, half the time I am a Pollyanna. I take joy in the smallest things and can always find several things to be glad about. Other times though, I feel the opposite, like an Anti-Polly if you will. I lose my joy somewhere and can't find a single thing to be glad about. In fact, I'm so good at being the Anti-Polly that I'll find ways to twist the things that normally bring me joy, or that I'm glad about until they are dark and corrupted and there's no light to be seen in my little world. Now, that never lasts forever, though it feels like it will when you're in the thick of the darkness. The light is never really gone though. "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:5. It's probably easy to guess why this is one of my favorite verses. It's good to know there is a light that will never go out, that actually repels the darkness. Anyway, my point is that I don't like the Anti-Polly and lately I feel like she has been given too much free reign. I'm gonna try & put her back in her place with the real Pollyanna. I know it's generally a put down if someone is called a Pollyanna, and that kindness is often seen as a weakness, but those people only hurt themselves with that kind of talk. So, this is my proposal. Every day for 40 days, I will find at least one thing to be glad about. It can't be that hard right? Well I'm about to find out. Why 40 days? 40 is a number of change. Noah was in the ark 40 days, Jesus fasted 40 days before entering the wilderness to be tempted, so I think it's a good number. If you count today, 40 days takes us right up to Christmas Eve. Christmas, the time when everything changed. I'm calling this little project The Pollyanna Plan: 40 Days of Gladness. Doesn't that sound like a nice little self-help packaged solution to all your problems? That's not my intent, and I assure you I am the last person you want trying to solve your problems. However, don't we all feel more prepared and equipped to solve problems, handle pressure, or deal with stress when we're glad and in a good mood? I am hoping this gets me in to a better habit of looking for and finding the things around me to be glad about. I will do my best to post my glad findings on here each day, but if I miss a day or two, know that I am writing them down & will compile them when I do post on here. I encourage all of you, whomever is actually reading my little corner of cyberspace, to leave a comment with what YOU are glad about each day. You can make your comments anonymous if you like, or if you feel more comfortable keeping them to yourself that's fine as well. Just do what you can to find a gladness each day. Today for me is easy. The day is not even halfway through and I am glad for this idea. I'm glad to be glad do to speak. I'm glad that, even if you're the only one who ever reads this, that the potential is here for you to be inspired and lifted up through my words. Lastly, I'm glad that I have 39 more days ahead that I know for sure I'll find something to be glad about. I have come to a conclusion, a revelation really. I have an autumn heart. No, this doesn’t mean I think my heart is a pumpkin covered in fall leaves. Let me explain what I mean. To me, autumn is a time of change and reflection, and yes, for thankfulness. Autumn is a time to prepare for the future, like the barren winter ahead. Animals store food and fat (I seem to do that well myself) and the trees lose their leaves so what nutrients they can get in the sparse winter months can go straight to their roots. It is a time of abundance and harvest, to collect on the hard work of the spring and summer. Autumn is the time for everything to go out with a bright, blazing flash of red and gold before going to sleep for the winter. Autumn is my favorite time of year. You may be thinking to yourself, what do we really know of the glory of the fall here in Arizona? We barely have trees, let alone ones whose leaves change and fall for the autumn. That’s true, while we do get some of that up north, it’s not nearly as spectacular as the colors and beauty of fall in say New England. Still, we can tell a change here in the valley. The temperatures start to drop, thank goodness. We can walk outside without melting, or buckle our seatbelts without fear of branding our skin with the metal part. (No matter how hard I try I always catch some small patch of skin with the dang buckle!) So that’s what I mean by an autumn heart, one of change and thankfulness. I don’t do well staying stagnant, though, a part of me wishes I could be. Just because I recognize that I need change, doesn’t mean it’s easy, or that I enjoy the havoc it sometimes causes. Change is not enjoyable, but it is necessary and I at least have come to recognize that and don’t try to fight it as I used to when I was a child. Now I do my best to welcome it. Besides, as my friend Betsy said in her recent blog, “I don't have to have it all figured out. Besides, where would the adventure be if I did?” Cheers Betsy! You’re exactly right! Life is an adventure, not always an easy one, but amazing and beautiful even in its dark moments. I wish I could, as you said, bottle up the good parts too. In those moments I try to always take a moment and thank God. In those moments, it’s very easy to do so. What is harder, but I still try to do, is to thank God in the dark moments. Those are the moments where we need Him most and need to remember he is beside us. That is when I am most thankful to have Him beside me, and to know that no matter my faults or short comings, He loves me. Other than that my lovelies, I guess really my main point in this post is just to celebrate fall. Saturday, September 22nd, was the official first day of fall. I’m so excited! I can’t wait for everything that goes with it! Carving pumpkins, dressing up for Halloween, wearing a light jacket (yes that is cause for celebration in Phoenix, Arizona), watching football games with my dad, Thanksgiving dinner! Oh the ham and potatoes and rolls! It makes me salivate just thinking about it! Anyway, that’s it my dear readers, whoever’s out there. I only know who a few of you are, hi Mom, so don’t be afraid to comment. I just wanted to say that I’m ready for fall and a change. I do sense a change in the air. Something new is coming around the bend. I am ready as I can be, and excited for it. Let’s see what the future brings. I have a feeling it is good! I leave you, yet again, with a song. This song is speaking to me lately, more than it ever has. "...but people, I guess, can't live like that. We all must pay a price. To be safe we lose our chance of ever knowing what's around the riverbend." I don't want to be safe right now. I want to see "what's around the riverbend." Happy Independence Day! Personally, I think that sounds better than "4th of July". There's a fourth of July everywhere in the world, but it's only here in America that we celebrate our independence on this date. This year I am having a laid back holiday, having quiet time with family and friends, watching fireworks, reflecting on things and realizing yet again how blessed I am to be an American. I'm not trying to come off as an overbearing, gun toting, fanatic who believes that I have the right to put down anyone who's not down home and apple pie because this is "A-mur-i-cuh". I respect the other countries and cultures of the world and I hope to visit many of them eventually. (I'm still saving and planning for that trip to England), but what sort of citizen would I be if I did not believe in my country and have pride in it? Do I think it's perfect? Not always, but I won't go into politics here. We all have different opinions, but all our differences are what make us who we are and I wouldn't change it. America is home to rock and roll, free speech, pioneers, explorers and dreamers. We were born underdogs out of a revolution and we fight boldly for what we believe. When you really look at it and study even just some of the history of it, we really all should be flying the Union Jack right now. It is a miracle we won the Revolution, that we can call ourselves American. We are blessed to be free. We are the place a lot of people come to be free. We don't all always agree, but the differences make us better. If we don't like something we can change it. There's no other country that is famous for its dream, the American Dream. We are a young country, comparatively, but to me we are a great country and I am honestly proud to be American. This week I'm turning over a majority of my blog to my church, Coolwater Christian Church. Now, before you go running away, this isn't a sermon. Our minister is away on sabbatical and in our regular newsletter he usually writes a personal column on the back page. This week, I was asked to fill in with a piece of my own for the back page: At Coolwater lately the theme has been reality TV. I'd like to call to your attention another TV show, called Who Do You Think You Are? If you don't know it I highly recommend that you watch it. Each episode introduces us to a celebrity such as Rob Lowe, Reba McEntire, Paula Deen, Edie Falco, Helen Hunt, and Rita Wilson just to name a few. The premise of the show is researching genealogy. So, for the full episode we follow the celebrity of the week on a journey tracing their lineage. It is one of the most fascinating programs I've ever watched. These celebrities find out some pretty interesting, if not amazing, things about their family. For example, Helen Hunt found out that one of her ancestors helped co-found Wells Fargo Bank. Edie Falco learned that one of her ancestors was born on a ship at sea. Rita Wilson traced her father's past to a previous wife and child who both died, that he also escaped from a concentration camp, and she found a whole other side of her family in another country that she'd never met. Rob Lowe discovered an ancestor who played a role in the American Revolution and subsequently filed his application to become a Son of the Revolution. Watching the show makes you wonder just what kind of interesting or astounding things are in the past of your own family tree. There's something about truly knowing your history that makes your present and your future that much sweeter and meaningful. I can only imagine how Rita Wilson felt when she discovered that her father escaped from a concentration camp. Had he not made it out alive she would not be here today. That must put so many things into perspective. I was speaking with a friend just the other day about how her own family and others she knows had been affected by the holocaust, luckily they escaped or survived, but one of them has the numbers tattooed on her. Things like that make you realize how precious life is, and how easily it can change. In my own life, my grandfather on my father's side came to this country after the war. There could have been many times, I'm sure, that he may not have made it out alive. In fact, his older sister thought for a good seventy years or so that he had not. They have since, within recent years, reunited. It's an amazing story and one I feel truly blessed to have actually witnessed. That sort of family history is important and you don’t always have to go generations back to appreciate it. I recently went on a vacation to meet up with a cousin and his family. My cousin, Josh, my sister, and I all grew up together. We were more like siblings than cousins. We spent many hours, days, weeks, even months, together playing, getting into trouble, and going on vacations. We were like the three musketeers and it shaped who we each became in many ways. We know things about each other that a lot of other people don't, not just because we're family, but because we were there and we experienced it with each other. On this recent vacation, I came to realize that there is a comfort and bond that is created with someone who holds your past like that. It's been a long time since we went on a vacation like that with Josh. He now has a wife and his own kids added to the mix, each of which we absolutely love and adore as if they've always been a part of the family. We had a great time and made some wonderful memories that will last for decades and become a part of the next generation’s history. Yet, despite the time and distance there was still that bond between the three of us, the musketeers, a little something extra that you don’t have with anyone else. It's hard to describe or explain, but it is something to be cherished when you have it and it only comes with that shared history. As Independence Day draws near again, I see all this history before me and around me (Even as I write this, our own Pastor Shirey and his family are abroad and, I’m sure, learning some wonderful things about the history of London and Scotland) and I am beginning to think not only about my own history, but about our history as a nation. Independence Day is always a time to reflect on this, but this time I find myself wondering if, like Rob Lowe, any of my ancestors had a hand in the Revolutionary War. What part did they play? Did they stand up for an ideal they believed in? Did they seize the opportunity for independence and strike out boldly into the new world to claim their freedom? Or did they fear retribution from England and play it safe? I would like to find out one day. I hope the first is true. I am an American after all. One of the strengths of this country is how different we all are, but I believe that as a country we all still have that pioneering spirit and it makes me truly proud to call myself American. We're always searching for something better, something greater. Sometimes that gets us into trouble, and we're not perfect, however, I won't get into all that here. We all know the history of the beginnings of our nation and how truly amazing it really is that we are what we are today. That's why we celebrate the Fourth of July and the freedom it represents. All this is true of our faith as well. Knowing our history makes our faith come alive and makes it more meaningful. To see how all the stories unfold and are connected in God's great plan is truly amazing. Not just in the sacrifice of Jesus, but all the way back to the prophets, Moses, Abraham, Noah, and even Adam and Eve. There is a reason these major stories, or “hi-stories”, are some of the first we learn as children. They are important. They are part of a history we all share as children of God. They remind us of where we came from and teach us how to live even today in this fast paced world. For me, the greatest freedom and independence is in knowing that I am loved by God and that He really does have "the whole world in his hands". Amen. You can learn more about Coolwater here: http://www.coolwaterchurch.org/ We have a pretty amazing history ourself, one that keeps bubbling in the back of my mind that would make a great story. You can also link to the church's Facebook and Twitter from that page. In closing I leave you with a song. I love music. So much of my personal writting is inspired by it. Anyway, this is a newer one by the artist Dierks Bentley, called "Home". It talks about our country, and was actually named the official song of the Arizona Centennial since Dierks is from Arizona. It's a great song. Really pay attention to the lyrics. I hope they inspire you and give you hope as they do me. Times may seem hard, but we have been through hard times before. America is not just full of survivors, we're full of fighters and we don't lie down easily. Happy Independence Day my fellow dreamers! Let's take a minute my lovelies to talk about love. Sit for a minute and try to define love first of all. What is love? ... Hard to sum up isn't it? Dictionary.com says this: love: noun- 1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. 2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. 3. sexual passion or desire. 4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart. 5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love? 6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour. 7. sexual intercourse; copulation. 8. ( initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid. 9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor. 10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books. 11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love. 12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God. 13. Chiefly Tennis a score of zero; nothing. 14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L. verb (used with object)- 15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her. 16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person). 17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music. 18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight. 19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover. 20. to have sexual intercourse with. verb (used without object) 21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love. Verb phrase 22. love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets. Idioms 23. for love, a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure. b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love. 24. for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise. 25. in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love. 26. in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work. 27. make love, a. to embrace and kiss as lovers. b. to engage in sexual activity. 28. no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers. How's that for a definition? Even the dictionary can make love clear cut and concise. I agree that there are a hundred plus different definitions for love. I love my family, and friends. I also love Disneyland and chocolate. Are those all the same kind of love? Of course not, but I believe they, and everything in between, are all different facets of, as Freddy Mercury put it, This thing called love. In one of my last blogs I talked about stories and the role they play in our lives. One of my favorite Broadway musicals, Aida, says that every story is a love story, that Every story, new or ancient bagatelle or work of art... all are tales of love at heart. I could go on and on with the songs, stories, poems etc that concern love, because it's true. Every story is a love story whether it's love of a thing, a person, love of power, love of an idea, or love of anything. Most religious have some doctrine in them somewhere about loving the others. It's the golden rule: Treat (love) others the way you want to be treated (loved). For my fellow Christians we learn from Jesus that we should love everyone, even those we consider to be our enemies. Love is the single greatest power in this world and the next. It's cliché because it's true. Why do you think all those old fairy tales talk about the power of true love? It's capable of defeating anything. At least, I believe it is. It is the one common basic programming in all humans no matter your race, color, creed, etc. We are human therefore we are programmed to love. We must love one another or die -W.H. Auden This all came into my mind after watching an episode of The Big Bang Theory. (If you don't watch it you should) The main character Leonard was sharing an intimate moment with his girlfriend, Penny, and he says "I love you." Rather than be happy and respond in kind, Penny becomes awkward and standoffish. Then, needless to say, by the end of the episode Penny has broken up with him because she doesn't love him back, at least not in the same way or as strongly. Common story I'm told. It's one of the big questions. When is it okay to say, "I love you"? Maybe I'm naive, but for me, it's always okay. To be in a committed relationship with someone is a facet of love. Does that mean it's your soul mate that you'll be with forever? Not necessarily, but that doesn't mean it isn't love. I've also been avidly following Downton Abbey, a supremely superb show and I highly recommend it. Two of the main characters, Lady Mary Crawley and Matthew Crawley, seem to never be on the same page. At first they have animosity towards each other, which turns into indifference and then Matthew comes to realize he has true feelings for Mary and proposes to her. She refuses. He moves on and finds another woman whom he makes his fiancé and it's then Mary realizes she does love Matthew, that she may have loved him all a long, much longer than she realized. However, now he's attached to someone else. So, back and forth they go and we've yet to find out where they end up. My point is, to wonder how we humans manage to make such a mess of something that is in our makeup from birth as an essential need. Why does it have to be so complicated, so hard? Mayhap I've read too many fairy stories and I'm naive, but for me love should be the one thing that's easy in this world. It's the one thing that ties us all together. Why then do we let it get muddied by other emotions like pride of fear, or things like society or politics or anything else? True love conquers all. Everything else is meaningless. So if you love someone then say it. Say it now. Say it every day. Don't let them wonder how you feel. Don't say tomorrow. You may not have tomorrow and then what? There are a great many things in this world that I'm afraid of. Mostly being alone forever, though, I'm not afraid to be alone-if that makes sense. I am quite comfortable living and doing things on my own. I'm afraid of spiders, and other creepy crawlies, of talking to strangers, of talking on the phone, but I'm not afraid to love. I love fearlessly and fiercely in my own quiet way. It sounds like an oxymoron but I'm sort of a walking contradiction. Has it gotten my heart bruised and broken even? Yeah, but a perfect heart is one that's not been used. If you don't take your heart out to be beaten up a bit how can you appreciate the one who will come alone and heal it, put all the pieces back together? The bible says there is no fear in love-perfect love drives out fear. If you have love then everything else is nothing. Any obstacles or hindrances or supposed fears should mean nothing. God will take care of them and sort them out. That, my friends, is why they say true love conquers all... because it does. Pure love is just as the bible describes it: not boastful, not self-serving, fearless, patient, kind. John Lennon was right, it's all we need. I know I've started repeating myself, but this subject is always on my mind. Thanks for bearing with me for this little stream of consciousness. Love everyone and if it seems hopeless... don't give up. That's what love is, not giving up when the "skies get rough." |