Just living is not enough... one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.
-Hans Christian Anderson
My mother asked me last night, what's bringing me joy in my life.
I didn't have an answer for her.
The truth is, right now, nothing brings me joy.
Nothing.
I feel like my life is going backwards. Anything that used to bring me joy is gone, or doesn't work anymore. I have no joy at work. I don't think I've had a job I truly enjoyed, as much as one can enjoy work, since I worked for PetSmart in 2005. In fact, lately I have slowly been "demoted" so to speak, working jobs where l have been making less & less money. Yet, I've gained responsibilities like a new car and my dog. I had to give up my annual pass to Disneyland as a frivolity, and I haven't been there since Halloween of 2012. (I realize this sounds like #whitepeopleproblems or #firstworldproblems but no one really understands what it means to me & I can't explain it-you wouldn't understand.) I rarely have the time, the money, or the energy to go out with friends, or watch my musician friends play music, so all I do is work, go home, & sleep. On Mondays I take lunch to my Grampa. I sit and listen to him repeat the same stories he always tells each week, look at whatever new thing he's uncovered as he cleans out the house-preparing it for when he's gone, am reminded that my Grandma is already gone, dust, vacuum, water the plants, & wonder sadly if this week will be our last lunch together. I have sensed for a long while now that my time at my church was at an end. Now that our minister has left I know it was a sign that I was right. There's no joy or excitement there for me either, not like there used to be. I haven't got lost in a book in I don't know how long-I mean really lost in it, consumed by another world, not like I used to. I used to devour books. I've gone & bought ones I've thought sounded interesting, but I never seem to start them, or if I do I lose interest & leave them halfway done. I used to HAVE to finish a story if I'd started it, even if I didn't really like it, but not anymore. Even if I like a book, it never gets finished. I rarely even find solace in my writing anymore. I used to write in a journal nearly every night & keep a notebook with me so that any spare moment could be filled with my scribblings. I do write still, but the words don't always just pour out of me the way they used to, and I can't remember the last time I wrote in a journal.
So no, I couldn't think of a single thing that brings me joy, other than her, my dad, my sister, & my dog who I am blessed to have in my life, but I'm guessing she was looking for something beyond that and I couldn't give it to her.
So I thought about it. What would really bring me joy?
I was bored last night and turned on a show on Netflix called The Fall. One of the lead characters is a serial killer at night, but he spends his days as a grief counselor and with his wife and two children. One evening his daughter wakes up screaming with a night terror and his wife, wanting to console her daughter, says that she wishes she could know what was going through her daughter's mind when it happens. Her husband, the secret serial killer, who had snuck off to look at a weird journal he keeps of the women he's killed, is hiding it just out of his wife's gaze and says, "We can't know what is going on in anyone's mind, and the world would be an intolerable place if we could." Wow. It was so in line with what happened in the news last night, the news of Robin Williams' death, which at this early stage is thought to be from suicide. This man, who was considered one of the funniest on earth, got lost in the darkness. He forgot where the light comes from & that he carries a part of it within himself.
So, of course, everyone is remembering their favorite roles he played. One of my favorites was the voice of Genie in the Disney movie Aladdin. (I know, big surprise.) There is a scene in the movie where Aladdin turns it around on Genie and asks, "What would YOU wish for?" The Genie's answer?
Freedom.
That's my answer. THAT is what would give me joy in my life.
I already have that you say? This is America, the land of the free right? Bear with me for a second as I try to explain.
Anyone who has known me for at least a minute knows that I am a Disney girl through & through. I believe in magic, that good always triumphs over evil, & that true love is the greatest power of all. No matter what the world or my head tells me, I can't seem to ever really give up hope. All the ingredients for a Disney Princess, so that must be what I am, right?
I don't think so. Some may be shocked to hear me say that, but let me explain. First let me say that I love the Disney Princesses as much as the next Disney Girl. I do not think they are as helpless & inactive as most people believe them to be. Walt Disney himself said that Cinderella didn't wait around for Prince Charming, she went out & found him. Yes, she had help, but the ultimate choice to take that chance was on her. I could point out something about each of them that I think is admirable, but that's not the point of this post. (I'd be more than happy to hear your thoughts/discuss, in the comments.)
The point is that as admirable as they are & as much as I may have in common with many of them, I am not a princess.
I am a pirate.
Savvy? No? I don't mean I want to come to your house & pillage it. (Unless you have Reese's peanut butter cups. I will pillage the heck outta those!) What I mean is the mind set, the way of being sort of. I was never afraid of the ride as a kid, that I can remember. It has always been my favorite. Something about it draws me in. Have you seen the movie, The Pirates of the Carribean: The Curse of the Black Pearl? Do you remember what Jack Sparrow says to Elizabeth when they are stranded on the deserted island, about why he's so desperate to have his ship back?
-Hans Christian Anderson
My mother asked me last night, what's bringing me joy in my life.
I didn't have an answer for her.
The truth is, right now, nothing brings me joy.
Nothing.
I feel like my life is going backwards. Anything that used to bring me joy is gone, or doesn't work anymore. I have no joy at work. I don't think I've had a job I truly enjoyed, as much as one can enjoy work, since I worked for PetSmart in 2005. In fact, lately I have slowly been "demoted" so to speak, working jobs where l have been making less & less money. Yet, I've gained responsibilities like a new car and my dog. I had to give up my annual pass to Disneyland as a frivolity, and I haven't been there since Halloween of 2012. (I realize this sounds like #whitepeopleproblems or #firstworldproblems but no one really understands what it means to me & I can't explain it-you wouldn't understand.) I rarely have the time, the money, or the energy to go out with friends, or watch my musician friends play music, so all I do is work, go home, & sleep. On Mondays I take lunch to my Grampa. I sit and listen to him repeat the same stories he always tells each week, look at whatever new thing he's uncovered as he cleans out the house-preparing it for when he's gone, am reminded that my Grandma is already gone, dust, vacuum, water the plants, & wonder sadly if this week will be our last lunch together. I have sensed for a long while now that my time at my church was at an end. Now that our minister has left I know it was a sign that I was right. There's no joy or excitement there for me either, not like there used to be. I haven't got lost in a book in I don't know how long-I mean really lost in it, consumed by another world, not like I used to. I used to devour books. I've gone & bought ones I've thought sounded interesting, but I never seem to start them, or if I do I lose interest & leave them halfway done. I used to HAVE to finish a story if I'd started it, even if I didn't really like it, but not anymore. Even if I like a book, it never gets finished. I rarely even find solace in my writing anymore. I used to write in a journal nearly every night & keep a notebook with me so that any spare moment could be filled with my scribblings. I do write still, but the words don't always just pour out of me the way they used to, and I can't remember the last time I wrote in a journal.
So no, I couldn't think of a single thing that brings me joy, other than her, my dad, my sister, & my dog who I am blessed to have in my life, but I'm guessing she was looking for something beyond that and I couldn't give it to her.
So I thought about it. What would really bring me joy?
I was bored last night and turned on a show on Netflix called The Fall. One of the lead characters is a serial killer at night, but he spends his days as a grief counselor and with his wife and two children. One evening his daughter wakes up screaming with a night terror and his wife, wanting to console her daughter, says that she wishes she could know what was going through her daughter's mind when it happens. Her husband, the secret serial killer, who had snuck off to look at a weird journal he keeps of the women he's killed, is hiding it just out of his wife's gaze and says, "We can't know what is going on in anyone's mind, and the world would be an intolerable place if we could." Wow. It was so in line with what happened in the news last night, the news of Robin Williams' death, which at this early stage is thought to be from suicide. This man, who was considered one of the funniest on earth, got lost in the darkness. He forgot where the light comes from & that he carries a part of it within himself.
So, of course, everyone is remembering their favorite roles he played. One of my favorites was the voice of Genie in the Disney movie Aladdin. (I know, big surprise.) There is a scene in the movie where Aladdin turns it around on Genie and asks, "What would YOU wish for?" The Genie's answer?
Freedom.
That's my answer. THAT is what would give me joy in my life.
I already have that you say? This is America, the land of the free right? Bear with me for a second as I try to explain.
Anyone who has known me for at least a minute knows that I am a Disney girl through & through. I believe in magic, that good always triumphs over evil, & that true love is the greatest power of all. No matter what the world or my head tells me, I can't seem to ever really give up hope. All the ingredients for a Disney Princess, so that must be what I am, right?
I don't think so. Some may be shocked to hear me say that, but let me explain. First let me say that I love the Disney Princesses as much as the next Disney Girl. I do not think they are as helpless & inactive as most people believe them to be. Walt Disney himself said that Cinderella didn't wait around for Prince Charming, she went out & found him. Yes, she had help, but the ultimate choice to take that chance was on her. I could point out something about each of them that I think is admirable, but that's not the point of this post. (I'd be more than happy to hear your thoughts/discuss, in the comments.)
The point is that as admirable as they are & as much as I may have in common with many of them, I am not a princess.
I am a pirate.
Savvy? No? I don't mean I want to come to your house & pillage it. (Unless you have Reese's peanut butter cups. I will pillage the heck outta those!) What I mean is the mind set, the way of being sort of. I was never afraid of the ride as a kid, that I can remember. It has always been my favorite. Something about it draws me in. Have you seen the movie, The Pirates of the Carribean: The Curse of the Black Pearl? Do you remember what Jack Sparrow says to Elizabeth when they are stranded on the deserted island, about why he's so desperate to have his ship back?
He tells her that when he has his ship & his crew back he'll go wherever he wants to go because "that's what a ship is... What the Black Pearl really is, is freedom."
Freedom. Shout it like Braveheart! FREEDOM! That is what I truly desire in this life. I think all human beings desire it.
I hate to feel trapped with no way out, no options. That is the worst feeling, except being told what to do. I cannot stand to be told what to do. I know it's a flaw & actually I usually do what I'm told, depending on the context, but in my head I'm screaming. When someone tries to tell me what to do I immediately want to go out & do the exact opposite. I don't know why, I just get all fired up if I feel like I'm being chained down.
Lately life feels that way a lot. Like a chain weighing me down. I hate that I never seem to have any extra money to do anything more than pay my bills. I hate that I have to work at all, to be honest. I want to be able to just drop everything & go on a trip spontaneously. If I want to drive to California on a Wednesday night I should be able too. At least, I think so. I know it's selfish to want to just do whatever I want whenever I want & not have any rules. I worry that I'm too selfish & that there's something wrong with me. There are days that I'd honestly be ok not seeing anyone ever again. Well, maybe not ever, but for a long while. I want to just put my car on the freeway & drive til I can't anymore & not look back. I mean, that's just wrong. Right?
Right or wrong it's how I feel, but let me clarify something too. I love the idea of doing whatever I want whenever I want to do it but I don't like the idea of doing nothing. Does that make sense? Yes, one or two days to really do nothing is nice but it soon gets tired & stagnant. That's when you get lost in darkness. I know. I don't want to be stagnant. I want to move like the ocean currents that are full of life! I want to go on adventures. I want the wind in my sails & the sun on my face, & have no one to answer to but God.
God. God is the only one I actively listen to on purpose. As much as I can & as best as I can. It's not always easy to hear and discern what God is telling you. Especially lately, to me, when it feels like He has withdrawn or stepped back for some reason, but I do my best. I have learned that when I have a "gut" feeling, it's usually God trying to tell or show me something. I believe God wants me, and all his children, to have freedom and that he has given me, each of us, the means to claim it.
For me? My writing.
The only way I'm going to escape the cage of everyday life is if I write myself a way out, an escape route. That's how I see all good stories-an escape route out of this world for a time. God knows how heavy this world can be & I believe that He has given us all different escape routes that work for us & our unique personalities.
For my sister it's keeping things tidy, my mom loves to read, my dad escapes to the golf course, a friend of mine escapes by doing laundry, calls it a spiritual experience. She is welcome to come escape to my house & get spiritual any time she wants!
My point is, how wonderous is our God that He has made us each in our own way & provided a way for each of us to escape to our own unique happy place when we need a break? How lucky am I that I can make up my own escape route whenever I like? It is simply a part of who I am, my life blood & I carry it with me at all times. Praise The Lord!
Lately my mantra has been, "I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future." When nothing seems to work anymore, the days seem dim, the nights even darker, & even the light inside of me seems to have faded, I remember where my light comes from-from God. Though it may seem like it at times, I am never truly lost in darkness because, "the light shines in the dark & the darkness CANNOT overcome it."
I know. I know that this life is dark and hard and painful and that sometimes it feels like it would be nicer, more peaceful to just give up, but God gave you this life so you could live it. Please, whoever you are, wherever you are, rich & famous, poor & homeless, or somewhere in between-you have a light! Let it shine!
Weigh anchor & shove off mates! It's time to set sail for freedom! In the words of Jack Sparrow, "Bring me that horizon."
Freedom. Shout it like Braveheart! FREEDOM! That is what I truly desire in this life. I think all human beings desire it.
I hate to feel trapped with no way out, no options. That is the worst feeling, except being told what to do. I cannot stand to be told what to do. I know it's a flaw & actually I usually do what I'm told, depending on the context, but in my head I'm screaming. When someone tries to tell me what to do I immediately want to go out & do the exact opposite. I don't know why, I just get all fired up if I feel like I'm being chained down.
Lately life feels that way a lot. Like a chain weighing me down. I hate that I never seem to have any extra money to do anything more than pay my bills. I hate that I have to work at all, to be honest. I want to be able to just drop everything & go on a trip spontaneously. If I want to drive to California on a Wednesday night I should be able too. At least, I think so. I know it's selfish to want to just do whatever I want whenever I want & not have any rules. I worry that I'm too selfish & that there's something wrong with me. There are days that I'd honestly be ok not seeing anyone ever again. Well, maybe not ever, but for a long while. I want to just put my car on the freeway & drive til I can't anymore & not look back. I mean, that's just wrong. Right?
Right or wrong it's how I feel, but let me clarify something too. I love the idea of doing whatever I want whenever I want to do it but I don't like the idea of doing nothing. Does that make sense? Yes, one or two days to really do nothing is nice but it soon gets tired & stagnant. That's when you get lost in darkness. I know. I don't want to be stagnant. I want to move like the ocean currents that are full of life! I want to go on adventures. I want the wind in my sails & the sun on my face, & have no one to answer to but God.
God. God is the only one I actively listen to on purpose. As much as I can & as best as I can. It's not always easy to hear and discern what God is telling you. Especially lately, to me, when it feels like He has withdrawn or stepped back for some reason, but I do my best. I have learned that when I have a "gut" feeling, it's usually God trying to tell or show me something. I believe God wants me, and all his children, to have freedom and that he has given me, each of us, the means to claim it.
For me? My writing.
The only way I'm going to escape the cage of everyday life is if I write myself a way out, an escape route. That's how I see all good stories-an escape route out of this world for a time. God knows how heavy this world can be & I believe that He has given us all different escape routes that work for us & our unique personalities.
For my sister it's keeping things tidy, my mom loves to read, my dad escapes to the golf course, a friend of mine escapes by doing laundry, calls it a spiritual experience. She is welcome to come escape to my house & get spiritual any time she wants!
My point is, how wonderous is our God that He has made us each in our own way & provided a way for each of us to escape to our own unique happy place when we need a break? How lucky am I that I can make up my own escape route whenever I like? It is simply a part of who I am, my life blood & I carry it with me at all times. Praise The Lord!
Lately my mantra has been, "I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future." When nothing seems to work anymore, the days seem dim, the nights even darker, & even the light inside of me seems to have faded, I remember where my light comes from-from God. Though it may seem like it at times, I am never truly lost in darkness because, "the light shines in the dark & the darkness CANNOT overcome it."
I know. I know that this life is dark and hard and painful and that sometimes it feels like it would be nicer, more peaceful to just give up, but God gave you this life so you could live it. Please, whoever you are, wherever you are, rich & famous, poor & homeless, or somewhere in between-you have a light! Let it shine!
Weigh anchor & shove off mates! It's time to set sail for freedom! In the words of Jack Sparrow, "Bring me that horizon."